Harnessing

I was born a Harness. 

Over the years, when people were struggling to comprehend the pronunciation or spelling of my surname, I’d sometimes say “harness- the thing you put on a horse”.  In Kentucky, the land of horses, this usually worked. 

I was always quite proud to be A Harness. For me, being A Harness meant being full of vitality. it meant bowing to no one. It meant being a bit mercurial, prone to joy and rage in equal measure. It meant having a fierce independence alongside fierce loyalty, being both gentle and brutal. 

By any other name, I will always be A Harness, but I feel a shift of late. Instead of merely being A Harness, I find I am harnessing. 

And that is another thing altogether. 

As A Harness I felt all of the power I have inside. I felt its potential, and I witnessed its profound effects both beautiful and devastating on myself and those around me.  In Harnessing, I’m getting a feel for channeling that power. If feels more grounded, centered, focused. It feels like I am driving that power rather than being driven by it. 

It feels very good indeed. 

The power is in you too of course. For me, the power inside has always felt like a very high voltage. If ungrounded and unfocused it is very dangerous and not at all useful. So until I started to get a sense for harnessing that power, a tremendous amount of my energy has been spent trying not to electrocute anyone. I felt I had to try and turn it off completely or build a wall of protection between myself and others for both our sakes. This manifested in many ways but notably through anxiety and depression. 

What a relief to tell myself a new story about what’s inside. What a relief to feel that very high voltage of energy as manageable! I’m still working on just how I want to use it- moment to moment- day to day- over the course of this lifetime. But to feel as though I might direct it and judiciously apply it is sweet. Where do I want to apply it?  Volume up or volume down? Temperature up or temperature down? Brighter or dimmer? I can choose. 

After a lifetime of feedback about being “too much”, this feels so very good. There are hundreds of memes about this, telling you to abandon people or places for whom you are too much or “not enough”, and I won’t say there is no wisdom in that at all, but I will say that you can learn to focus, to down the volume and the heat of all that you are situationally and not be at ALL diminished. You can also learn to turn that power up.  When I am intimately connected to my power source, these adjustments feel very natural. 

I can’t choose the power that is in me. It is not OF me. It is merely IN me. I CAN be in better and better relationship with that power. I do not have to fear being abandoned by it or overwhelmed by it. It is ultimately trustworthy. 

Born the instrument by which one makes use of power, now the user. Harnessing all that I am and all that I have to do good in this life, I hope to help others do just the same. 

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